As the day fades

on my sisters 34th birthday I find myself ending the day like usual on her birthday or anniversary...lying in bed cuddling with a Nacho, crying, watching the slide show and now blogging. 


Lying here my mind starts to wander from some healthy logical questions to others not so, yet I wonder any way.  I wonder what a birthday party in Heaven looks like.  I wonder if everyone you've ever known goes or if it is just family? Does the big guy make an appearance?  Is the saying up there...it ain't over until the "big guy" sings?   Do you get gifts or because your are in heaven and you already have all you could want is their presence gift enough?  Can I get fireworks set off for my birthday every year in heaven? Did Stacy have a good day? Does she miss us? How does she deal with the extreme emotions she must be having being able to see us but never be with us? This of course assumes that the departed can see what goes on down on earth. 

Then my mind goes to the not good thoughts like- if I didn't remind people, would they remember her birthday?  Do any of those people who called her "mom" even miss her? Do people still talk about her?  Do any of her so called friends here in Cali and there in NC really miss or remember her?  Do people think we are dragging things on by celebrating today? Are we doing enough for the kids to remember her.  Will they forget her?  What more can I do?

Is it wrong to have some of my prayers answered by her death and its situations? Is it wrong to love being a mom when the only reason you are one is because your sister had to die for that dream to come true.  Will I ever truly feel whole again? Will my kids ever really feel strong and complete? Will my other niece hate this side of the family for not fighting for her? Will we see her again soon?  

It may not work for everyone, but blogging and writing clears my head and helps me focus on the fact that there is a God and he has a plan for everyone one of us that we may never fully understand.  That sometimes bad things happen to good people. That sometimes death leads to life.  Sometimes those bad things lead to the best things in life for someone else because for some unknown reason God makes all thing work for good. That having prayers answered in any fashion are still answered prayers and we should be thankful.

The bible says "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12 That we are to "walk by faith and not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7  "Jesus said, Don't let you hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me." John 14:1 And in the end "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  Death will exist no longer; grief, crying, and pain will exist no longer, because the previous things have passed away." Revelations 21:4 

All true, but hard sometimes to remember...guess that is why sometimes these quiet nights alone with my thoughts and ipad are good.  I write for me, but I pray it touches someone who needed to hear it.

Xoxo - until we read again. 

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