Damn I suck at this (not looking for pity, just opening my heart up)
I am not good at bedtime. I can't decipher from the need for affection due to everything, the desire not to go too sleep, or if she really miss me. I get so frustrated that she is fine while the tv is on but then all of a sudden now that the cartoons are over she is scared, misses everyone, can't sleep unless I am there. I want to cuddle her but I also don't want to encourage her to think that if she tries to cry that she get everything she wants. I have a hard time with the constant smothering hugs and kisses. I love it and I don't. It makes me feel cluster phobic and then like crap. I get so frustrated and I start to boil. Then I feel like total crap and want to just cry. I try to give her understanding and go to lay with her then she starts talking and won't stop. So then I want to get up....endless cycle.
I'm failing at this and keep apologizing for not keeping a level head, then I hear a friend of mine saying take all of the love you can get from her there will be a day she won't want your love. How do I get over the smothered feelings? How do I open my heart to listen to her needs and understand what are real feelings and what are just trying not to go to sleep. Why do I care? Why can't I just lay down with her and wait the 5 minutes that it takes for her to fall asleep. Why can't I just understand that she just misses me, that she isn't used to having working parents. Why do I make things so hard?
Tomorrow bedtime becomes non-stressful (at least I hope so): she never gets to see me so it is a bath, tv time together or books and bedtime. It should be quiet, restful and loving. She has been through so much and she really does love me and just wants to see me more. Stop being an ASS Teresa Ann. She deserves better.
I'm failing at this and keep apologizing for not keeping a level head, then I hear a friend of mine saying take all of the love you can get from her there will be a day she won't want your love. How do I get over the smothered feelings? How do I open my heart to listen to her needs and understand what are real feelings and what are just trying not to go to sleep. Why do I care? Why can't I just lay down with her and wait the 5 minutes that it takes for her to fall asleep. Why can't I just understand that she just misses me, that she isn't used to having working parents. Why do I make things so hard?
Tomorrow bedtime becomes non-stressful (at least I hope so): she never gets to see me so it is a bath, tv time together or books and bedtime. It should be quiet, restful and loving. She has been through so much and she really does love me and just wants to see me more. Stop being an ASS Teresa Ann. She deserves better.
YOU ARE NOT AN ASS Teresa Ann. You are a mom. And she does get ALL the love she needs from you. I promise.
ReplyDeleteShe is learning all her boundaries. She is tired and that is all. Simple and plain. She is 6 and tired. They are ALL like that, not just the ones that need extra.
It is completely normal to feel claustrophobic with all the love. Chad always says moms have some sort of over developed gravitational pull and our little satellites just can't stay away.
You. Are. Doing. A. Great. Job. Period. Rest, because you need it too, and just know that all her memories of this time are going to be great and sad and filled with the knowledge that she is LOVED LOVED LOVED by you.
I know you aren't looking for pity, and that isn't what this is.
If she had been with you from birth you would know that from about 5pm on with these little ones it is ROUGH.
Especially if they spent an hour on the scooter today and didn't eat all their lunch :)
Love you my friend. And you don't suck at this. Quite the opposite. The fact that you are in this exact moment means that you are in it for real...and that more than anything means you are succeeding it at this!!
The path you have chosen to walk down is not an easy one. It’s not an easy one even when you do it willingly, with forethought, and 9 extra months to relate before birth, so you’ve started at a disadvantage.
ReplyDeleteThat’s not to say that you will not be able to catch up somewhere down the line.
Alyssa will always miss her Mom. That’s never going to go away. It’s how she misses her that will change.
Alyssa will always miss her Father. That’s never going to go away. It’s how she misses him that will change.
Alyssa will always miss her sister and brother. That will never go away. It’s how she misses them that will change.
The love, support, caring, food, discipline, laughs, house, bed, pets, clothes, well, everything that you have for her is different in every way to what her little heart and brain are used to. Just because it’s a safer/saner environment than what she had before does not remove her experiences. In her world before she was safe, and loved, and cared for….but in a different way. Adjusting to her new world is very hard, and your job is to do your best, as the adult, to understand that.
That’s not to say that you’re not human, and fallible, because, believe me, Baby, you’re going to find that out for sure!
But, you have to forgive yourself. You have to forgive her. You have to forgive her life before.
Patience is NOT a virtue. It’s a practice that takes time and a conscious effort. After a while, the practice becomes a part of who you are – at a very minimum, who you are to Alyssa.
So, like I said at the beginning, you’re at a disadvantage. You want to make up for all her perceived ills. Just try to remember that her so-called ills were the only life she knew before and she probably loved it, so what’s there to make up for?
Her reality changed, and there was no getting around that. She needs to adjust. You need to adjust. But, if you do it together – talk to her like a big girl who has had some experience – it might be a shorter distance to getting some peace in your lives.