Missing you.

This was our last picture together.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was our last day in North Carolina and she was still the ammonia induced coma with no great news.  She was coming in and out and didn't even know we were there.  We visited her everyday.  We played music for her and she seemed to love it.  We showed her videos of the girls playing and singing and tears rolled down her cheeks.  As we held her hand she sometimes squeezed our hands, but the nurse said it could be involuntary.  We prayed for her and we talked to her.  The last night of our visit we stayed at the house with the kids, it was harder than ever to let them go.  We barely slept that night.  

The phone rang at 8am that day and the house started going mad.  My stomach sank.  Then he called me...it was like time stood still when I heard the words that I was not expecting to hear.  "She's awake!" We could not get dressed fast enough.  Was a blessing from God she woke up, she would know we were here. My parents were there the week prior and she never knew :-(. I thanked God all day long that we were able to tell her we loved her, hug her and talk to her.  

We stayed almost the whole day, until we had to head to the airport. We talked, we cried and we talked some more.  She was so moved by her emotions that we'd be there for her.  She kept teasing Kristi that this was what had to happen to get her out there to see her.  We were 3 one more time.  We were together one final time.

As we left that day feeling sad it had to be the end of our trip but praising God that she woke up and was doing great...I don't think either one of us thought it would be the last time Kristi would see her again.

I was blessed to have a job, boss and team that were very supportive of me at the time to allow me to work from North Carolina a week at a time for the next 4 months.  Those month and visits were very hard but so rewarding.  To be there when she was sick and when she was "healthy" was a blessing.  T be there for the kids everyday and grow even closer to them was wonderful.  As I prepared my heart to accept God will for her and prepared my heart, house and mind to be come a single mother of 3 it became blindingly obvious who my friends were.  I could never have gotten through this without them.

Then one 10/21 I woke up and prepared to run a 5k in Nashville, not knowing anything was happening not many miles away.  We ran and had a blast.  We did some sight seeing and got through half of our day with smiles on our faces.  About 10 minutes before we were about the head out for the night my mom called and she was crying.  If you know my mom you know she does not do that often.  She told me she was in the hospital and was having endless seizures.  That the doctor said this would probably be her last day.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  I'd be there the next day! Why today??  I had so much more I wanted to say to her.  I needed to tell her I loved her one more time.  I needed to hug her.  I just needed my baby sister.  

I just sat down and stared off into nothing.  I reported to my closest friend what was going one and we sat quietly trying to figure out what to do.  I decided that I could not possible sit around waiting.  We had to go site seeing and just keep praying they are wrong.  We did just that.  As the night approached we decided to head into a honkey Tonk everyone told was a must see.  FYI no honkey Tonk is a must see on a Sunday night.

It was only about 10 - 15 minutes after we got there that I missed that call from my Dad.  It was probably a little after 7pm (at least that is what I remember).  I picked up the phone and called him back.  He said the four words no one ever wants to hear..."She has passed away"

I almost dropped to the floor, but found and chair and just dropped my head on the table.  How could this be.  I could not let it hit.  I lost it, there was no words coming out of my mouth the were understandable just heavy sobs.  I am so blessed that I was not alone that night and glad at was with Erika.  She helped more than she knows.  

The finality of it all hit me as I was making the family and friends calls...she was gone and our lives were going to be changed in so many ways.  We'd never hear her laugh again.  We'd never see her smile again.  We'd never get to hug her again.

I know today is only her birthday, not the anniversary of her passing...but I don't write for chronological purposes but from my heart and no one understand the heart.  :-) Happy Birthday Stacy...9 months have passed us and I still miss you like it was yesterday.  Thank you for you.  Thank you for your glorious kids.  They are little bits of you we get to keep and hold on to.

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels

By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees

And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting

And I know she's smiling saying

Don't worry 'bout me

Xoxoxo #3 I miss you.