5 and 1

Today (and yesterday) mark the 5th month of my sister becoming "Perfect Angel" and one month of her "Perfect Angel" coming to live with me. As I look back on my life I now see the crazy wild path the God built for me to get me where I am today. If I would have gotten married to Derek or Pete, I might have already had my own children and then may not have had the room or ability to take on the caring of Alyssa and hopefully one day Haley. If I didn't suffer a miscarriage I might also not be able to care for them. If I never left advertising, I would probably be in a very demanding directors position and not have time for a family. I'd also not have gone back to school to teach preschool where I learned a lot about kids and never worked with special needs kids. I would have never even heard of a g-tube, how to use one, or how to help a child move from g-tube eating to mouth eating. If I stayed in teaching I would not be where I am now financially and probably be swimming in debt and again not be able to take care of Alyssa and/or Haley.

"Perfect Angel"? Why would my sister pick that for her email? Did she always know her time on earth was going to be short. Did she know that her place on earth was so precious and her job was to bring totally happiness and joy to me with her kids? Did she know God's plan for me, in her heart was to give myself completely to the well being of her kiddos? Or did she really just think she was a "Perfect Angel"?

In the last 5 months I have lost all desire to exercise, I don't cook as much and I worry a lot more. BUT, I've increased my faith in God and the knowledge the pray works and it is powerful. You can move a mountain if you believe you can. We've had a few holidays and it is hard not to call or hear from Stacy. We've had her service and it was wonderful and hard. I watch TV and loved ones pass and I just think about her. I know from a few guy friends that have had similar loss that is never gets easy. Hmm that sort of sucks, but I get it now. She may not be on my mind every day, as she wasn't when she was alive but she will cross my mind and heart in occasions that I wouldn't think of it and bring me to tears. She will show herself every day in the beautiful child that she has intrusted to me to care for. She'll remind us a lot, if not daily of her attitude, her stubbornness and most of all her smile in those girls.

In the last month Alyssa and I have giggled, cried, and gotten mad at each other, but most of all we have loved on each other. Showered each other in love that I could never have imagined. We've shared many nicknames over the last 5 years together but I think Auntie Mom or Mommy and Daughter or Baby are by far my favorite. Alyssa has met many friends and brought me close again with friends I'd drifted away from. She has challenged my patience because God knows that is a fault I need to work on. I have challenged her patience and control issues because God knows that is what she needs to work on. We've brought each other comfort from our loss. We've added church and the love of God to Alyssa's heart. She tells me to turn up the radio and sings along to Klove and the Fish. She loves Tball and all the friends she's made. She loves school and her friends there. She's eating more rounded meals, trying foods and wants to learn to cook. She's become very responsible at home: puts her stuff away, sorts her laundry, brushes her own hair and helps pick out her outfits. Alyssa is a blessing to me in so many ways. Though she can be a bit stubborn, she really is thriving with our routine. She loves my roommates and the pets.

I pray month 2 is just as great. We can't wait to see Matthew in 8 days. I can't wait to share Alyssa's birthday with friends and family. I can't wait for Alyssa and I to hang out at the Padres games. Meeting more cousins and playing with them more are all on the cards. Possibly even a few trips.

God works in very mysterious ways and sometimes you just have to sit silently and look back at the road you've traveled down and think well it's not what I would have chosen but it worked out OK or even marvelously.

Much love to all!