Today's Grab Bag of Thoughts

Almost 1 month to the minute today my Dad called me to tell me my sister went to Heaven. I'm thankful I was with her for her last birthday. She got to eat her favorite food and spend it with her family. As the month has gone by I have been lucky to be super busy at work so that my mind really can't wander much. Home is a different story. Let's just say I am going to have the cleanest, most uncluttered room soon. My Garage may even shine after this all. Today I found myself thinking about her kids a lot. They just seem so far away. I miss them so much. I pray that God has his arms around them and is keeping them safe. I pray that if anything ever happened to their fathers that I would be able to take care and raise them the way Stacy wanted me to. I pray that a certain someone has updated his will and IF anything was to happen to him that the girls would BOTH come live with me. I could not bare the thought of losing them for good. It's hard to think that ri...

Day 1- Thankful that my Sister is no longer pain and will always be young and beautiful. Day 2- Thankful for the family God has given me. Day 3 - Thankful for growing up knowing all my grandparents and great grandparents Day 4 - Thankful for my health. Day 5: Thankful that Sergej and Matthew have each other again and in the USA. Stacy would be so happy. Day 6 - Thankful that though it may not be the greatest job on Earth, that I still have a job to go back to today. Day 7 - refer to day 6. Many long time employees just got let go. :-( Day 8: I am thankful for ALL my wonderful friends who have been with me in these last 6 months (and over my lifetime). I could not have have a better group of friends - even if FB is our only place to talk these days. I LOVE YOU ALL! And those are not just words. Special shout outs to Erika - Denali Frederick - Thank you for letting me lean on you all the time, everyday and just letting me be me. Jennifer Stark Falkner - Thanks for letting me rele...

I have finally realized what that statement means to me and really more than I want to lately, in regards to my mind. Though at times we may be physically alone in a room, car or anywhere it does not mean you are truly alone. Because for me, my mind never stops running around even at night. It is constantly playing my heartbreaks over and over in my head. Reliving my fears again and again. Going over my mistakes time after time. Looking into my dreams deeper and deeper. Calculating my next move and the one after that. Weighing the consequences of my desires vs potential embarrassments or rejections. Praying every second, every minute for my family, friends, acquaintances and strangers for peace, safety, health, healing and happiness. Even when I want to be alone. Even when I need to be alone. Even when I am alone...my mind or conscience is always there keeping me company. Get to know yours. Listen to yours. Embrace yours. “Always let your conscience be your guide” - Jiminy Cr...

Well time to say that my blog is my opinion and only that. This is how I see it and how I have experienced it. Others may or may not agree with it. Others may think I am mean but in reality this is just how I see things. If you think there is only one side to every story then of course you are wrong. It just so happens I write from the heart and how I feel. Should I stop and sensor myself, sure maybe but sadly I don't always. I guess that is what you call passionate. It helps me to write and open up but maybe I need a disclaimer on every post that says " the following words represent me pure opinion and nothing more than that" The end.

Question: what are your memories of Stacy? She Loved to decorate cakes with Grandma. Grandma, Stacy and I would sit on couch together and do the plastic canvas. We would go to Gerti's house and play "office" in her office. We loved to roller skate in Grandma's driveway while listening to music (we would pretend we were ice skating). I remember that we would iron our doll clothes in the back room. Going swimming at the neighborhood park. Oh my goodness,I remember we were at a neighbor's house playing pool and she kept poking me with that stupid stick, and I ended up throwing that 8ball at her (of course I felt really bad later)... We were never asked to go back lol. I remember all the costume contest we did. Oh my goodness, I remember us playing chicken with the trains (her idea)! Fun times at the water park/except when she would sit on me under water! I have a scar on my leg from the time she threw me into closet doors, all these memories... Stacy was dete...

As I spent today writing my sister's eulogy it started to hit me all the things Stacy will miss and we will miss having her at. When my first grandparent died I was sad that She would never meet my husband or kids. That they would never know how wonderful she was. Then a couple years after as my grandpa passed I stared to hurt more And I wished that I would be able to share those big life events with my remaining grandparents. After another 2 years my remaing Grandmother passes away and my heart is crushed. With one remaining Grandpa and no marriage are children in the immediate future I grow sad that my family may never know what a great family I came from and meet the patriarchs. I never once though that I would be doing all those things without my baby sister. 32 is too young to lose your life. I want her there if those big events happen. Yes that is selfish and yes I know she and my grandparents are in a better place, but everyone else had them there. :-(. Speed pas...

Today my baby sister has gone to Heaven. There are no words to really express what I am feeling right now. This will be one of those rambling posts that means nothing to anyone else but me, but I feel better to get this off my chest. You are in no more pain and you have finally become strong again. I'm am so glad that God gave us the 5 months that we got. You know I thought that old doctor was crazy when he said about 6 months to live, but I guess they do know more than we do. These last few months have been great even though living on two coasts was hard at times, it was still worth it. Being able to be with you and talk and help you and really realize how much you loved and trusted me even if you could not say out loud. You trusted me with your life and your children. What can I say but WOW, ARE YOU CRAZY? :-) HAVE YOU MET ME? My sweet sister, you were also loved more than my words could say. I will always have a piece of my heart that your memories will fill. I kno...