Just hitting me...

As I spent today writing my sister's eulogy it started to hit me all the things Stacy will miss and we will miss having her at. When my first grandparent died I was sad that She would never meet my husband or kids. That they would never know how wonderful she was. Then a couple years after as my grandpa passed I stared to hurt more And I wished that I would be able to share those big life events with my remaining grandparents. After another 2 years my remaing Grandmother passes away and my heart is crushed. With one remaining Grandpa and no marriage are children in the immediate future I grow sad that my family may never know what a great family I came from and meet the patriarchs.

I never once though that I would be doing all those things without my baby sister. 32 is too young to lose your life. I want her there if those big events happen. Yes that is selfish and yes I know she and my grandparents are in a better place, but everyone else had them there. :-(.

Speed pass me and go to Matthew, Alyssa and Haley. They will go through all of life's big events without their mom. Graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school and college without their mom. Get married, have kids and never have a mom to turn to in the time of need. I can't even imagine being without my mom.

After planning and preparing my heart, mind and house to be getting my sister's kids when and if she passed away it turns out I will not be raising any of them. I am very happy Matthew's dad has been able to make a post change and get stationed here in Fort Bragg. Little boys need their fathers, of course their mothers too, but the influence of a GOOD father is imperative. I will worry about my nieces everyday. I will be sad that my sisters wishes have been ignored and that the people she wanted no where near her kids is the person that her "husband" calls. It's only been 5 days and he has left her most of the day to take care of the kids. 5 days that he has sworn he will be able to raise his girls. 5 days of not having to cook anything as our meals have been dropped off for us. 5 days of intrusting his babies to someone with severe diabetes, high blood pressure and who my sister hated. Stacy even called me in July crying that he needed us there because she was driving her crazy, fighting with her and spanking the kids. Leaving here Thursday will be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I miss my sister so much and I do have peace in my heart that she is not in pain and is in heaven with lots of family. But I still wish she was here, I miss her smile, laugh and face. I love you Stacy.